The first pair he got from an audiologist at Lake Forest Hospital (it took 4 appointments to get everything right). After all that, he refused to wear them because “people can see them. I want the ones that go in your ear and no one can see them.”  Of course when we initially went to get him tested, it was explained to him (about 28 times,) that his hearing loss was too great for those invisible ones to do him any good.  He said, “ok,” and I, like the complete beleaguered idiot that I have become, put the ol’ VISA down and spent $6400, thinking “problem solved and thank God it is because I can’t take this “WHAT?!????”  every three seconds, any more.”

Of course you can guess what happened next:  Cordie refused to wear them because:

Cordie:  “people can see them.  I want the ones that go in my ear that no one can see.  I won’t wear these god damn things.  I can hear just fine.”

Anne:  “No, you cannot hear just fine.”

Cordie:  “PARDON??!?!?!”

Sigh.

About a year later, I applied for VA benefits for Cordie, and got them.  The VA folk, btw, were tremendously nice, professional and thorough in every way.  Prescription co-pays went from $30 to $8!  The docs worked him up doing every test imaginable and then sent him to the audiology lab.

Cordie:  “Where are they taking me?

Anne:  “Dad, we’re going to the audiology department to get your hearing tested.”

Cordie: “WHAT?!?!”

So it was “Ground Hog Day” all over again in the audiology department.

Cordie:  “Hello  Doctor.  Nice to meet you.  Thank you so much for helping me.”

Gary, the audiologist:  “My pleasure sir.  We’re going to test your hearing to determine how much hearing loss you have and then we’ll fix you right up and get you some brand new hearing aids.”

Cordie: I don’t need hearing aids”

Anne:  “Oh yes you do Dad.  If you won’t do it for yourself, please do it for me.”

Cordie: “Ok.  But I don’t want the ones that stick out.  I want the ones that go in your ear and no one can see them.”

Gary, the Aud:  “Well sir, your hearing loss is too great for those invisible aids, but at least your hearing is still good enough so that you don’t have to wear the huge ear piece that fits over the whole ear.”

Cordie: “I appreciate that Dave, but I want the ones that go in your ear and no one can see them.”

Sigh.

After the fitting, Gary told us everything would be taken care of and to make an appointment in a week to come back to get the hearing aids.  I held my breath and asked how much these were going to cost.

Gary:  “Oh I’m so sorry.  I should of told you.  They’re free.”

Me:  “Oh    My   God!  Thank you VA!!!”

But, alls not well that never started well…

So tell me gentle readers, how do you think this story ends?

So I finally got him to give me his teeth on Monday. When this is a major victory in one’s life, you gotta know it’s time to get another life. So, I drop the hapless teeth off at the lab and then later that day, I took my dad to the lab to retrieve the aforementioned dentures.  At this point, what could go wrong? Well, the teeth DIDN’T FIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  They were TOO SMALL!!!!!!!! He couldn’t keep them in his mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Kill us both NOW!!!!!!!!!

Can you say, “Poligrip”?  Can you say, “Hello Dr. X, I need another dental appointment?!”  AHHHHHHHH

So I drive it over to him and park it so he can see it outside the window.  He insists on having the keys, which, since we are in the nursing home and everyone can hear everything and I know he’ll start screaming, I give him the keys, with the plan to steal them back when he isn’t looking, which I do.  I take him down the hall to the window in front of the car.  The following conversation ensues:

Dad:  “So I go out the front door and I turn right to get to the car, right?”

Anne:  “No Dad, you go out the front door and turn left.  But you’re not driving anyway.  So look me in the eye and say, ‘I’m not driving anyway.’

Dad:  “I’m not driving anyway.”

Anne:  “Good.”

Dad:  “So I go out the front door and turn right to get to the car?  Right?”

I then proceed to tell him that I am taking the keys with me because I can’t trust him and he throws an absolute fit.

So I go to his condo on Friday morning to start packing for the move to assisted care (movers are coming wed.) and his answering machine is flashing. Two messages are there: One from Chase Automotive Financing and the other from our local Chase branch with this message from this eager kid banker:  “Hi Mr. C! This is Larry Novack!– from Chase!  I got an answer for you! sooner than I thought! Give me a call!”

I say to myself, “uh-oh.  what car loan?”  So I called Chase and found out he secured an auto loan for $30,000 so he can buy a replacement 2007 Mercedes C class (the same kind of car that he has that I now won’t let him drive.)  He called them behind my back from the nursing home on the lock-down dementia nut-job floor where you have to go through an operator to call out because the nutbaskets call 911 at 3 in the morning to tell 911 they’ve been kidnapped.   I call Chase and find out that his request for a loan (THAT MORNING) was approved in like 2 hours.  I start yelling at the guy.  I said, “For God’s sake.  My father is 86 1/2, has dementia and is in a nursing home.  And if you bothered to look at his accounts, you’d see he has almost NO FUCKING MONEY.  WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!??!”  The guy goes, “well his credit score is great.  He has an 800.”

And we wonder why Wall Street collapsed?!

The last two mornings he has called me and told me “I’M NOT GOING TO THAT PLACE” about 100 times.  Really, a hundred times.  He’s hung up on me at least 4 times and is being totally impossible, as he is so prone to be.  I actually dropped the f bomb on him yesterday for the first time in my life:  “I got you a wonderful apartment in a really nice assisted care facility across from one of your two churches, one block from your girlfriend, 5 minutes from me and it costs six-fucking-thousand-dollars a month, and since you spent all your money you’ve now left me in a bind on how to pay for it and now you’re telling me that you won’t go?!??!”